I remember a time when you thought I knew everything.
I remember a time when your face lit up when I entered the room.
I remember a time when only I could take away your pain.
I remember a time when I was your safe place.
I remember a time when I couldn't go to the bathroom without you missing me.
I remember a time when I was all you needed.
I remember that time and it doesn't seem like that long ago.
I remember when your little hand would fit right into mine and your head would snuggle under my chin.
I remember when my lap was your favourite place to lay your head and on top of me wasn't even close enough.
I remember when you would delay bedtime just so you could be with me a little longer and when your laughter would fill my days.
I remember when you needed me.
You needed me to guide you and be there for you.
You needed me to support you and advise you.
You needed me to reassure you and protect you.
You needed me in so many ways each and every day.
It feels like just yesterday.
As I sit here now with tears in my eyes remembering all I was to you, those times I was your hero, I know I must learn a new role, find a new place in your heart and your life and while I knew from the moment you were born that this time was coming it is still one of the hardest things I have done in my life.
Embracing change is what I must do, allowing you space and freedom and stepping back is my only choice but no one told me it would be this hard. Hard to do emotionally but just hard to do well. This stage of life isn't bringing out the best of me.
How do you let go of the very things you love more than life itself and why did three of you have to grow up and go through this process at the same time?? The irony of having the gift of you young together and completely filling my world is that now you leave a huge hole, one I am not sure I now how to fill just yet.
I want you to grow, I want you to experience life and create your own world I just didn't realise how hard it would be, how much it would hurt and to be honest how bad at it I would be!! I always thought I'd be the cool Mum, the one you would want to be friends with. When I look at you and I still see my gorgeous baby, my dependent toddler, my loving child, my unsure teenager and my heart struggles to see the emerging adult because part of me just doesn't want to let go.
Yet I know that is what you are, I know that is what I must allow you to be and accept you as being but what am I to do?
How do I care but not worry?
How do I love but not suffocate?
How do I support but not instruct?
How do I be whatever it is you need me to be all while my heart breaks?
I know I will find my place, I know I will become accustomed to this role, I know I will grow into the new mother I need to be but right now I am lost.
Right now I need your patience, I need your love and I need you help. This is a new path to navigate but one I would love to do well or at least better than I am right now.
While you needed me I was safe, now our relationship relies on you wanting me and I am sacred. Scared you may not want me in your life.
Please be patient, please be kind, please be loving, please be forgiving and I promise to try and do better each day, to learn my new role and find my way in this new life.
We can navigate this independently or we could support each other and navigate it together. I know which I would rather!
And maybe that hole that I feel so rawly in my heart at the moment can be filled with a new and even better relationship.