I was lost today, completely paralysed. I sat, I had planned to work on my book and I couldn't. I literally couldn't. At one stage I sat with my head in my hands close to breakdown. Then I decided to write. I picked up my pen and opened my journal.
The following is what came through, word for word.
It shifts between 1st and 2nd person as I chat to the universe. I just let it flow and write in the way I am guided.
I am now feeling the resistance physically. It isn't just an idea or a thought I literally can't make my hands type. It isn't just an excuse, a distraction or my normal procrastination.
It is real.
I could run, I could cry or even have a heart attack. I am literally shaking on the inside.
I am at that point....... a point of decision..... just do it or don't......it is up to me.
I know I can't not do it. The desires, the dreams, the pull will never leave me, but wow this is so strong.
What is it??
My adrenalin is pumping at the thought that I may actually do this, finally do it and I know deep down it is time.
But what if I do it, pour my heart and soul into it and no one buys it, it just sits there on Amazon, or on my book shelf as a reminder of my failure, my lost dream, years of 'I will' ..... 'I am' ..... 'I'm going to'?
How will I feel if through lack of sales, lack of interest it fails?
What then? What will I do? What will I dream about?
Pretending is easier........'I'm going to'.......is safer, much safer and more familiar than....."I am"........ and this morning as I sat at my computer about to open that file titled "My First Book" it was shifting to "I am".
I can't believe the strength of this resistance, the physical feeling.
Is this what others go through?
Is this a sign, a sign to stop, or is this the Mother Fu**** of all limiting beliefs having one last shot, one last push to keep me where I am, safe in familiarity, in my past, in comfort, or my ordinary?
Or, I ask myself, am I standing at the precipice - go forward and never be the same again or turn back to the safe, predictable, familiar, known?
Is this the place of choice, a choice I must make because I can't remain here, poised on the edge?
I have been taught, or just come to believe, that resistance is a sign, a sign to stop, to not move forward, a message of caution, but what if the message isn't what I have always thought. What if resistance is trying to deliver a different message?
What if the message is 'once you take this step you wont ever be able to step back, back into who you are now, once you step forward life will change in magnificent but huge ways. All you have dreamed, and some you haven't even been game to dream, will come true.' What if the message is 'finally you are changing, finally you are here, making the decision we have been wanting you to make.'
What if the energy creating this resistance is the energy of change? What if it is saying "you wont stay the same, you wont be able to. You will shed the past excuses, the limits, the beliefs. You will become a different version of you."
Freedom for the enslaved is tantalising and yet terrifying, even or maybe especailly for those who have enslaved themselves.
You are standing at the door of your cell wondering if it is safe out there, doubting you will know how to act, or cope, or survive let alone thrive.
The chains and bounds are calling you back. "We might entrap you but we will keep you safe. Aren't the limits of the known better that the limitlessness of the unknown?" they whisper to you.
They whisper again "Come back to us, it hasn't been that bad!"
But I've seen a glimmer of possibility, I feel the pull of the energy of potential and I now I want it but yes I am scared, so fu***** scared!!!
Scared of going and scared of staying.
Scared of growing and scared of stagnating.
Scared of succeeding and scared of failing.
I am scared!!
If I turn back I'm limited, restricted, not quite happy, definitely not fulfilled but I'm not scared. I don't feel this fear, this resistance.
If I do turn back I will die with regret but I wont have to live with this fear.
Ahhhhh but what if fear is only on the precipice? What if fear is heightened in the this space between and maybe you don't have to turn back to dull the fear, what if you could step forward and shatter the fear!!!
When you step, if you choose to step, over the threshold of change fear will lose its power.
What if on the other side there was freedom, fulfilment, opportunity, peace?
I feel lighter already.
I hear another whisper now "Come, come this way, you can do it, take the step."
I realise it is up to me which whisper will grow louder, which whisper I choose to listen to.
The threshold, the precipice, the in between is no place to stay. It is the space between where you have been and where you are going, between who you were and who you could be.
The choice is yours.
Yes, the choice is mine.
The limits or the potential.
What was or what could be.
Who I was or who I am capable of being.
Take a step brave one, it is time.
After I stopped writing I was guided to draw myself an angel card. I drew two and they were perfect.
Here they are: