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Resisting.....

What am I resisting?

What am I resisting?

Why am I resisting?

What is the benefit in resisting?

Do you ever know you are resisting something?

You know there is something possible, something coming up or just something you really should or even want to do but you just seem to resist it. You procrastinate. You excuse make.

You know you are doing it but you just can't seem to stop and you sure as heck don't know why!!

I do. I do this often. I regularly call myself a procrastinator like this is both reason and excuse for my lack of action when in reality procrastination is just a symptom of something else but what? What is really going on?

I sat down to explore this the other day and I wanted to share with you what came up for me. This is my story, my words, my situation, and yours will be different, unique to you but within my story you may see some similarities, you might have some light bulb moments as you read through.

This is taken from my actual journalling session, I began with questions and allowed the words to flow. I was asking about the possible reasons behind my lack of action and I was completely surprised by the real reason that I uncovered. My motivation behind not taking action. Here is what came up for me......................

What am I resisting?

Why am I resisting?

What is my benefit in resisting?

Fear of not being good enough - Nah, with everything I don't do I just reaffirm that, the resistance actually reaffirms that feeling so no that is not why I resist.

I don't know what to do - true I don't know the whole action plan, I don't know the way from where I am to where I desire to be but I know the only way forward is one step at a time and I always know the next step, at least one step, maybe not the perfect step but I always know one step forward! Always!!!

I am scared of failing - sure I am but by sitting here in resistance I am doing a pretty good job of that. I am failing thanks to not doing anything!!

Scared of succeeding - there may be some fear of this but I really don't think it is the thing stopping me.

Scared I don't have enough time - yes there could actually be some truth in this, I do worry at times about being crazy busy!

Scared of people laughing or their negative opinions - Yes, this one resonates and I need to get past it. They are talking anyway, laughing at my lack of action, lack of success, lack of demonstrated worthiness, at my ideas or thoughts that I put out there. This I need to change, to stop, I can't live for them or in fear of them or their reactions. I cannot live a fulfilled life and worry about their possible opinions and reactions. I can't worry more about them than I do about me.

Worried my dream will fail and I'll have to let it go - YES, this hits a nerve as soon as I think about it. My dreams have sustained me, uplifted me, comforted me for so long. They have been my constant companion, a shining beacon especially during times of darkness. Can I really risk letting it go? Am I ready for that?

When you pursue your dream, really chase it it must change, it ceases being that comforting dream it has been for so long. Maybe not straight away but it does change, it can't just stay a dream.

It can become your reality...wouldn't that be nice, realising it, living all that you have fantasised about, talked about, planned and hoped for. You would then wake up each day with it not just a dream that you keep alive in you heart and mind but a reality, your reality. But.....

What if ........

What if you fail .....

What if your dream doesn't eventuate.

What if regardless of how much you tried it just doesn't work out.

What if you finally pursue it, put your whole dream out there for the world to see and instead of flourishing, growing, expanding and coming to life it flops....it fails....what are you then left with?

Cold.

Bitter

Sad

Disappointed

Alone

Alone because there is no longer that dream to keep you company, to lift you, to excite you, to fill you with hope and possibility.

Now you are alone with the reality of your failure. Your ability and willingness or even courage to dream shattered.

You have't just failed.

You are now lonely.

Alone.

Hopeless.

The 'thing' that sustained you, uplifted you, made you excited for all those years is gone.

So now what are you left with?

Reality.

Sadness.

Emptiness.

Hopelessness.

My dreams have become my companions and I am terrified of losing them and feeling alone, lost.

Who will then buoy me when I am down?

Who will give me hope?

When I keep my dreams safely as dreams they are mine, they are reliable, dependable, I can lose myself in them anytime I like. But if I chase them, pursue them and never quite catch them, never quite fulfil them, if I fail them what am I left with?

Disappointment.

Shame.

Hopelessness.

Aloneness.

My dreams keep me company what if they aren't ready for any more than that?

What if they say "We are dreams, we were never meant to be any more than dreams, a fun distraction. We aren't reality, we were never meant to be your reality. You aren't happy with us as we are, you don't love and appreciate us for what we are so we will show you. We will leave. You aren't chasing us down, you are in fact chasing us away. Farewell!"

What if I lose my dreams????

What if I am left with just reality?

What if ...........

Ahhh...... I hear whispered deep within myself....but what if you are meant to turn us into reality, your reality. What if we are showing you the way. What if we were always meant to be realised?? Ask yourself that. Sit with that possibility.

What if ............

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